I think the hardest thing about life is being you. And being completely open and really show what makes you, you.
I don’t know if any of you have ever wondered, how I got this view on life. Or why I think the way I do. But I guess it all goes way back to my childhood. I wouldn’t say I was ever suicidal but when I was young I was definitely on the one-way road to death. As, I have said many times before I am a perfectionist, which honestly a lot of people are. But when I was a kid, like it was bad. I think because I was so young and exposed to so many things, I had this extreme low self-esteem and I was just always looking for approval. Looking for others to accept me. I was also just an extremely shy and quiet kid, and the boys never liked me. That really got me down it was always the louder, funnier and prettier girls that got them. Then when I was about 9 years old and honestly I’m not even sure of the day when it all really turned around. But I just suddenly stopped eating, like I couldn’t. The loud voices in my head wouldn’t shut up and they took control. In many areas my life was falling apart and I wanted to gain control over something.
Eventually, when I was about 12 after been in and out of hospital, I finally started receiving outpatient care. And let me tell you this was no easy road but god was it worth it. The next few years were the hardest of my life. I had to do the thing that terrified me most. And that was eating and gaining weight. Honestly, in the first few weeks when you begin eating again, you gain so much weight rapidly I couldn’t even look at the scales. I just kept eating my meals no matter how sick they made me feel, and I just kept pushing through hoping that one-day it would all be worth it.
But, clearly this didn’t happen without a few setbacks. When I was in year 7 my parents decided to separate again and my grades were slipping. I felt so lost and my life was falling apart. So I turn to the only thing I can control and that was my eating. So I restrict it again and of course that turns into me having to go into the outpatient clinic quite a few times a week. This just infuriated me and I was just frustrated, and angry. So angry at how my life was going. Eventually I got out of it and now I eat completely fine and absolutely adore and love food.
But I had to go through that in order to get to where I am today. In order to appreciate food and in order to really learn to love myself, it was the beginning of my self-love journey that I am still on. I wouldn’t trade it in for the world. And just know that if you are going through a hard time there is a light at the end of the tunnel trust me!! Never give up and babes you deserve a beautiful life, so always keep pushing forward.