Oh gosh talk about bad days I literally just wrote this post out, and instead of clicking publish I pressed new post. But you know what maybe it was just a sign to rewrite what I said. I am trying to make this a positive space, but I am also only human and I think a lot can be learned about sharing each others experiences on this topic.
It is days like this, where I have a lot of time to think about how my life is going, to only in a way been completely let down by the life I have created for myself. I often feel like I am in this rut. A rut that I can’t actually get out of. I am at a point in my life where I feel completely freaking lost. I have absolutely no direction in what I am doing and that in itself is completely frustrating for me. Because I think I spent a lot of my time particularly in the last year trying to convince myself that university is what I wanted and the course I was doing was the right path for me. So in a sense I think I have always been afraid to admit that I am lost. So I desperately try not to be lost and in that I make myself even more lost. it is a vicious cycle. I have always been the girl with a clear plan, never have I ever not had a career goal or something that I am desperately striving for. Yet here I am.
So for me, my biggest problem is and was that because I had always tried to give myself some sort of career goal to consistently strive towards. I never really learnt about myself and what I really wanted to do. Therefore, it has ultimately led me here.
I think what also makes I guess “finding myself” or “finding what I want to do” extremely hard for me, is that I am a perfectionist. So every time I do something or try something I just want it to be perfect and do it perfectly. This is simply not how the world works and therefore I get even more frustrated and essentially it puts me off trying new things. Which is basically what I am trying to combat this year, is to sort of ignore my perfectionism and do everything. And if I mess up that is okay to. But at the same time it is extremely hard to put that into practice.
Hence, why this year I have booked lots of travelling to really give myself the opportunity to grow and find out more about myself. But that in itself is stressing me out because questions keep arising in my head, “have I bitten off more than I can chew?” This is a little bit of self-doubt talk, which you definitely shouldn’t listen to. But I am also a thinker, so these thoughts hardly ever leave my head. But I am honestly hoping that I can find myself and who I am, so that I become a little less lost. ( Looks like I am going through my quarter life crisis a little early).
Is anyone else going through this?